it isn't always easy

starting up the big cooking was such a rush. when gohan mama was here with me she was the driving force and honestly she did all the cooking and cleaning. all i had to do was eat the next week. rock and roll! (can you tell i have a two year old who likes bob?) the next week i was high on getting it done myself. and the woo woo dada was home from work on friday so i could easily get to the store freeing up saturday morning for a major cookathon. this week i made it to farm pick up on thursday so i knew what veggies to plan my cook around. i felt like that was a huge step. go me! its my birthday! go me! then i was going to shop friday and cook saturday morning again. someone must have told the bean that i was on a roll because he chose friday (my big shop day!!!) to go on nap strike. yes, nap strike.

now i have to tell you guys that i am not the most mentally stable mama these days. you know, postpartum hormones combined with a tendency to be neurotic anyway makes for a good show. so when the bean is in the nap strike toddler tantrum mode and it is interfering with my big plans for the day it makes me a little nutty. like, i am crying here people nutty. like, i am resorting to driving my old gas guzzling vehicle around the suburbs with my finger in the newborns mouth so she'll sleep so the toddler will fall asleep so i can have a few minutes to breath even though i won't get anything done i just want the break nutty. ok please, tell me i am not the first mama to do this?

anyway, all the nuttiness did not lead to a big shop. it lead to a big afternoon of crazy followed by me just trying to get the laundry folded and the diapers cleaned and put away. then i got to thinking...forget it! the gohan mama is obviously some kind of super woman who can pull this stuff off and i am just a crazy woman who can't even keep up with the laundry. why on earth did i think i could big cook? be organized? pull this thing off?

ok, so it was time to silence that inner voice. i had to talk myself down a little and here is what it sounded like:

that was just one off day. no reason to give up big cook all together. you can shop on saturday and cook on sunday if you need to. just take this one step at a time. do the big shop. when you have ten minutes do some prep. ten more, do some more prep. if you get one thing cooked for the week you are better off then if you did nothing. breathe. you might even get two things cooked. and remember, there are those veggie burgers gohan mama made for you in the freezer! anyway, you don't want to give up or you will have started the blog for nothing. and just to keep the two year old happy, "can i do it? yes i can!"

so, i did not give up on the big cook yet. i got to the grocery store this morning. i hope to start cooking this afternoon. truth be told i wanted to hide all this from you guys. i was hoping to just sort of pull it off anyway and pretend the whole breakdown wasn't happening. but then i thought, maybe there is another mama out there who is as freaky as me and she might just benefit from hearing how incredibly lame i am so she feels better about herself. maybe, if i confess that i think this is hard but i want to do it anyway someone else will push through the first few weeks of learning curve too. i mean, i know we are just talking about cooking here not like i am running a marathon or beating cancer but still. it feels hard sometimes. sometimes having two kids and a husband who works his butt off is overwhelming. sometimes i need a little pep talk from myself. or a good cry while i drive around suburbia with some really strange woo woo music playing to help my bean fall asleep and my finger being sucked on.

hopefully i can cook this afternoon and we can get back to that being our focus here. stay tuned...

~woo woo mama~